the double wide salon

Full House

Three "D.P." Moynihan's and a pair a Tiegs:

Could the President order Elrod buried ALIVE?!

A legitimate question.  And since Alvie won't be goaded into a response I'm gonna half ta goad it alone.

DW- R.I.P.

THE THRILLA IN VANILLA

season's greetings from the double wide

Hat tip to the Orlando Sentinel.

new cool guy: lee iacocca

former chrysler ceo goes upside bush's head in new book

"We've got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can't even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car...I hardly recognize this country anymore...George Bush doesn't have common sense. He just has a lot of sound bites...he prides himself on being faith-based, not reality based. If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, I don't know what will."

nitin, the early years

Pour Your 40 Out

Cuz it's Elrod's 40th!

Yeahhhh Wigga
Its Poot up in this motherfucka'
you know how we get crunk and wild in this motherfucka'
everybody get crunk in Waycross too wigga
so wild da fuck out

[Chorus]
Pour your 40 out. (Guzzle It)
Bitch!!!

Congratchylations Elrod, and try not to mash your saggy ass balls when you sit down to rest after gettin' up to turn off Oprah.

Also celebrating a birthday today:

John Hancock, Rush Limbaugh, Hermann Goering, and Henny Youngman!

Great Untold Stories of the American West with Alistair McTierney

EPISODE 12: PORTLAND PORT-O-JOHNNY POTLATCH

The action in this week's episode follows close on the heels of last week's saga. Faithful readers will no doubt recall "The Great Vista House Massacree" wherein a rag-tag group of some 50 settlers in formal attire held a rocky escarpment, against the dogged attacks of an uppity red-headed park ranger from back East and the nice guy behind the Info Desk who will talk your ear off if you let him, just long enough for Clovis to experience connubial bliss...

Our story begins, later... that same day... in Clovis's backyard, as several of his friends began preparations for a grand reception to be held there the following evening. Elrod, Alvie, and Pete had seen photos of the decorations for Elton John's wedding which featured lovely Chinese umbrellas and decided they would be the perfect touch for Clovis's. As they were finishing fagging up the backyard, I chanced to notice a rather distinguished looking fellow inspecting the area where the Port-O-Johnny was to be placed the following day. Much to my surpirse, it turned out to be the eminent archaeologist, Dr. F.U. Bőwden-Bŏwden. Just as I began to introduce myself, Dr. Bőwden-Bŏwden turned towards the party and announced, ominously, "I, Dr. F.U. Bőwden-Bŏwden, have discovered an indigenous peoples' arrowhead in the spot where you intend to place your Port-O-Johnny. It is my, Dr. F.U. Bőwden-Bŏwden's, esteemed opinion that at some time on or about 25 August 1652 this arrowhead became lodged in an otter's ass. I, Dr. F.U. Bőwden-Bŏwden, believe said otter then made his way around Clovis's garage, knocked over Clovis's gotdammed garbage cans, and then expired here, on this very spot.  I, Dr. F.U. Bőwden-Bŏwden, am afraid you won't be able to place your Port-O-Johnny here until we have excavated the entire area and received a large check from the State. We will notify you once the check has cleared."

Naturally, I was panic-stricken. Having dined at Clovis's the previous evening, I knew unimpeded commode access to be of the utmost importance. I would say "my sleep that night was troubled," but that wouldn't be pretentious enough. My sleep that night was fitful, as I struggled to devise a solution to our dilemma. Finally, I hit upon an idea. The next day as the excavation was beginning I would take Dr. F.U. Bőwden-Bŏwden aside and offer him the tidy sum of $20 to make the problem go away.

I awoke that morning feeling a mix of excitement and apprehension such as I haven't felt since the time I accompanied Merriweather Lewis to the Portland Free Clinic to have Little Merriweather checked out. I was simultaneously exhilarated at the thought of the glorious reception that night; the lights, the dancing, the spirit of love and community in the air, but also worried about what I'd do if I had to take a crap.

Well, as fate would have it, Dr. F.U. Bőwden-Bŏwden was a little short that month. He gladly accepted the $20 gratuity and allowed American Civilization to continue its westward advance. "Oh..you thought I said otter's ass..ahahah, why, heavens no..." Clovis and Kimber's reception was as lovely as I'd imagined.  And the Port-O-Johnny? It worked out just fine. It sat there, in the moonlight, while we danced and sang and made merry, until that special moment when Poot got in there and blew the fuckin' door off.

Were Clovis and Elrod victims of LA's "Granny Killers"?

Blogosphere Powerhouse Wants Answers

The Double Wide Salon is calling on the L.A.Times to investigate the recent disappearance of two if its contributing editors.  Neither Clovis nor Elrod the Magnificent have been heard from in weeks. 

"We think there's a chance that they were ensnared by the Granny Grifters in LA" said Alvie, a prolific contributor to the online megasite. 

"When you start to put the pieces together, it all just starts to fit," said executive editor Poot.  "Olga Rutterschmidt (shown at left) has an expired electolysis license, so you can see how she'd be able to lure Clovis in without any effort at all.  Helen Golay (pictured right) is known for her pants suits and her big bouffants---its like she was made for Elrod, or was Elrod made for her?"

Alvie added that "witnesses have characterized the latter part of Golay's life as 'thirty years of psychopathic behavior' which until recently could have described any number of women Elrod and Clovis chose to spend their time with." 

"I think there's something mighty suspicious going on here," concluded Poot.

Poot declined to confirm a rumor that former LAPD Chief Darryl Gates had been hired by the Double Wide to check out the story.