the double wide salon

ok just one more sarah palin post...

DW- R.I.P.

The interweb is for learnin'

Nerve.com runs down 40 best celebrity rumors of all time, and some of 'em are pretty damned nifty:

--Danny Thomas loved a cleaner version of the "Hot Karl";
--Milton Berle had the biggest pecker in Hollywood;
--Nancy Reagan smoked more turkey neck than Hickory Farms;
--Marilyn Manson had a rib removed so he could smoke his own pole and stop bothering Nancy.

Plenty more, but I dont want to spoil all ya'lls fun.

Dammit, they're drownin' a river; they're drownin' a river, man

You rooted for him in Deliverance.  You cheered for him in Smokey & The Bandit I, II, & III.  You whooped it up with him in Cannonball Run I & II, and you cried with him the day that bitch Loni Anderson took off with all his money.

Now it's time to give something back.  SAVE THE BURT REYNOLDS MUSEUM.  The philistine town of Jupiter, FL wants to sell the building that houses all of Burt's memorabilia.  They've got all the HUGE belt buckles he wore in White Lightning, they got his helmet from The Longest Yard.  They even got the racing suit he wore in Stroker Ace.  Now they want to take it all away:

PALM BEACH COUNTY
Burt Reynolds' museum pushed to close
Jupiter town officials want to close the doors of the Burt Reynolds & Friends Museum building and open the door to the Scripps Research Institute.

JUPITER - (AP) -- Some of Burt Reynolds' memorabilia may need to find a new home to make room for a nonprofit biomedical research institute that is moving to the area.

The Jupiter Town Council is looking to sell the Burt Reynolds & Friends Museum building to make way for the Scripps Research Institute.

We need to act fast.  Clovis, you get in touch with your folks from the Jerry Reed fan club.  Alvie, get on the phone with your real estate contacts and Elrod and I will get in touch with some VC people we know.  There's no time to waste.

Double Wide Parenting Tip: Danny Zuko Maybe Not the Best Role-Model

Who's looking out for you? The Double Wide Salon, that's who. We know modern life can be confusing and we want you to know you can turn to us for answers and advice on life's complex questions. That's why we've added our new column "Parenting Tips."

Probably the question we hear most from our parent-readers is: "What can I do to make sure my child grows up to be just like Danny Zuko?" Now, there can be little doubt that Danny is "cool." He smokes a lot, wears shades, he's susceptible to peer-pressure, likes to drag-race and has trouble being open and honest in his relationships with women. So, he's not a bad role-model by any stretch. My response to these parents, though, is, you know, before you go and rush into anything...have you thought at all about Kenickie? He's got all of Danny's attributes, plus, even though it turned out he didn't knock-up Rizzo, it wasn't for a lack of trying. Just a little something to think about as you embark on the adventure that is parenting!

Clovis Set To Attend Event Honoring Early Midget Porn Pioneer

Kimber will be dropping Clovis off at the Orange Park Mall today for a ceremony honoring Wizard of Oz star Meinhardt Raabe. After the ceremony, Clovis will be playing some Asteroids at Aladdin's Castle and then going over to the Food Court with his friend Wendy to look at cute guys and make fun of the dweebs.

http://www.jacksonville.com/tu-online/stories/031106/nec_21315193.shtml

George Clooney, Bad Motherscratcher

Clooney Wins Best Supporting Actor

Clooney, noted for his liberal politics, said he welcomed criticism that Hollywood is often out of touch with the mainstream.

"We are the ones who talked about AIDS when it was just a gay disease," he said. "This group of people -- I'm proud to be part of this academy, proud to be part of this community, proud to be out of touch."

Double Wide Film Critics Circle Awards Banquet Underway

Chris Makepeace To Accept Award for Truffaut

Well, the stars is out tonight here at the Dutch Pantry banquet room out off Beach Blvd. and none a'shine any brighter than Chris Makepeace, here to accept the Best Film of All Time award for Meatballs. Sister Jessie's about to have a damn conniption over it and...Jessie git the spinach outcha teeth for ya go over there... and we're lookin' for... Jessie don't make a fool a yerself girl, yeah, I know it's Wudy Da Wabbit now put the "Kiss On Me, Wudy!" sign away and show some deecorum...so anyhow...aw Jesus, he don't need yer bloomers, Jessie!...like I was sayin' all the stars is out, includin' yer favorite Double Wide "personalities." Looks like Clovis did the caterin', I see some of the Nutria Mousse left over from the birthday bash...don't bust the budget there Clo'... and he's over havin' an animated discussion with the guy who told Ned Beatty to squeal like a pig in Deliverance, who's up for a Best Supporting Actor award. Well, looks like they're exchanging phone numbers, probably jest workin' out their next big movie deal. Poot's yer MC tonight and it looks like Grace Jones musta dropped a little Nutria Mousse on'er boot'er somethin' 'cause Poot's down there jest a'lickin', that's gracious hostin'is what that is. Is that Aunt Fannie camped out over there by the Urange Julius fountain?,  well, I b'leve it'is...pace yerself girl...And let's not fergit Elrod who is right now accepting the award for Best Clip-On Tie from Joan and Melissa Rivers and the Thongberg Award for Lifetime Achievement for the work of his rebel flag boxer shorts, nice work Elrod...Kiss on me, Wudy!...Kiss on ME, WUUUUUDY!!!...Git'er pills, would'ye, hand 'em to me.. Alright, well we'll jest have ta check back in with ye as developments warrant...

Truffuat's "Meatballs" Tops Doublewide Film Critics Circle Best Films of All Time

Doublewide Salon's Film Critics Circle released their annual pre-Oscars film awards this week with Francois Truffuat's 1979 dramatic masterpiece "Meatballs" leading the list of the best films of all time. "It's like "Claire's Knee" on acid," said Clovis of WABC-Middleburg radio, "and by the end even the most jaded filmgoer finds himself pitying the C.I.T.s. The rest of my top five were easy: Deliverance, Midnight Cowboy, Deliverance, and Brokeback Mountain."

Local Man Disappointed Gay Cowboy Movie Didn't Make Him Gay

Vernon Trawler, 39, of Fruit Cove, Florida, has filed a lawsuit in the 3rd Circuit against the producers of Brokeback Mountain, alleging that the movie did not make him Gay as promised.

"I'm as cracker as anybody in that movie, hell- more so, so you can imagine my frustration that the movie had zero effect on my sexual preferences- none.  I'm not saying the movie is bad- far from it, it's actually fantastically good movie-making, but people round here was all up in arms about just how gay it was, that it was so gay in fact, that some a that gayness would slosh out of the gay bucket all over straight people, making at least some of them completely gay.  There's just not alot going on here in North Florida, so I figured I'd take the leap.  I had to drive all the way to New York to see that damn movie cause no theater in these parts would dare to show it for fear of a gay epidemic.  The producers should at least cover my gas."

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(pic of Mr. Trawler's hybrid vehicle, which he claims got him to all the way to Baltimore on one tank: Pic of Mr. Trawler raising funds for the return trip.)