the double wide salon

He Is Risen!

Good to have you back, Honkey.

DW- R.I.P.

Old High School Chum Tells World: Take Your Preconceived Notions About the Bildungsroman and Stick Them Up Your...WAHWAH!

Remember that geeky guy Joey from Mr. Murphy's history class? Yeah, the one with the rat-tail. Well, it turns out he's a Communist or something and somebody's paying him to prattle on about Human Rights and shit. I know...om, isn't that what we have Dick Cheney for?...but, still, if you have any room left on your summer reading list we recommend Human Rights, Inc., this month's DW Book Club Official Selection. Trust us, it'll leave you feeling disabused.

Just in Time for O'Reilly Day!

  Looking for that perfect stocking stuffer this Christmas? Well, check out this new title from Harper-Collins, the people who almost brought you O.J.'s almost confession. It's Fox and Friends own "Do-able" Steve Doocy and his new book: The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook: Everything I Know About Love and Marriage. Chock-full of marital anecdotes and tips from the man voted Time Magazine's 2006 Sexiest Closet-Case Living in an Alternate Reality, it's sure to put a smile on the face of your special someone as they head toward the bathroom to hurl.

If you're a regular Fox and Friends viewer like me, you know Steve's been sharing his marital wit and wisdom with us for years, in between justifying torture, warrant-less wire-tapping, and an unprovoked war causing the needless death of thousands! Here are a few of my personal favorite tips for keeping the old sex-life fresh and interesting:

Try it Santorum-Style!

That's right, you can still get a little action on the side without having to bust the family budget!

Of course, the "Doocy Fist" needs no explanation.

How Come Aunt Fannie's Blind?

Library smut.  That's how come.

1000 Year-Old Book of Psalms Unearthed In Irish Bog

Aunt Fannie Livid, Gone to Fetch Largest Over-Due Fine In Hist'ry

Shockwaves rippled across the Atlantic this morning as an ancient text uncovered by construction workers in Ireland turned out to be the long over-due Hot 100 Psalms of 892 A.D., which was borrowed from Ye Olde Interlibrary Loan Dept. by an unknown Viking in or around the year 914. Well-known library support staffer and DW columnist Aunt Fannie, scratchin' mad over the incident, boarded a tramp steamer this morning headed for Ireland via ports unknown. "It's gonna cost'em more than a tuppence er farthing er whatever to get out of this one. Ah, and I do love a pint!"

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/07/25/ireland.psalms.ap/index.html

Coulter Plagiarism Story Gathers Steam (By Ann Coulter)

Is the Ann Coulter (pictured at left, after a long night of WHORING) plagiarism narrative evolving from a one-day flash into a days-long epic?

Looks like interest is increasing. John Barrie, the guy who's new gadget identified the instances of plagiarism in caustic right-wing douchebag Ann Coulter's articles is receiving more inquiries about doing nationwide TV shows.

Barrie, who's study of Coulter's words was reported first by the New York Post on the Sabbath, was called by the Today Show and Good Morning America in the not too distant past, he told them, I mean me, he told me, I mean them, I told them..ah I can't keep it straight. For more information on this story please read the article below courtesy of TPMMuckraker.com

Coulter Plagiarism Story Picks Up Steam
By Justin Rood - July 6, 2006, 8:17 PM Is the Ann Coulter plagiarism story shifting from a one-day spark into a days-long saga?

Interest appears to be growing. John Barrie, the man whose technology identified the instances of plagiarism in acidic right-wing writer Ann Coulter's columns, is getting more calls to do national television.

Barrie, whose analysis of Coulter's work was first reported by the New York Post on Sunday, has recently been contacted by the Today Show and Good Morning America, he told me.

DW: Ann, you're aware of that serious charges of plagiarism have been leveled against you. What do you have to say for yourself?

Ann: I am not a crook.

DW: Wait, wait, don't tell me...Richard Nixon, right?

Ann: I think what we have here is a failure to communicate.

DW: Ah... I got it, I got it...Buford T. Justice!

Ann: We should take over their countries and convert them to Christianity.

DW: Adolph Hitler!

Aunt Fannies of the World, Unite and Take Over! Librarians Drag FBI Agents Out Behind the Proverbial Reference Desk, Beat Them Senseless

What would we do, as a nation, without our librarians and their bastard offspring, the library support staff? Get a little more shut-eye in those big, comfy, library chairs and have a little more walking around money, I reckon. Still, though, they're overdue for a tribute. So here it is, in the form of a "poem." My librarian friends tell me a "poem" is a form of literary expression best practiced between the ages of 13 and 15, in which you have to rhyme everything and use archaic words like "garb," "whycan'ttheyseemeforwhoIreallyam?AmIreallysounlovable?Oh,thepain,thepain," and "Yon."

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/13/nyregion/13library.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

L is for Liberal not for lipstick

I is for the Ideals that you hold 

B is for the Bun you wear your hair in 

A is for the Arse fine to behold

R is for the Risks you take for freedom

I is for the I in team, you know

A is for Arthur Miller, he owes you big time

N is for the Nightdrop overflow

Double Wide Sports Update: Negro League Star Howlin' Wolf Pitches No-Hitter, Wang Dang Doodle On Same Day

According to the Double Wide's Dept. of Baseball Statistics, Howlin' Wolf, on Sunday, became the first hurler in any league to pitch a no-hitter and a Wang Dang Doodle on the same day. "After the game, we all thought he was kidding," said teammate Buck Leonard. "But then he said 'Tell Automatic Slim, tell Razor-Totin' Jim. We gone pitch'a Wang Dang Doodle all night long.' And then he went out and did it. Walter Johnson, my ass."

Wolf with Roger Clemens at the Doodle

Move Over Oprah, Osama Starts Own Bookclub

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - An unexpected endorsement from al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden has resulted in a huge jump in sales for a book by a critic of U.S. foreign policy.

William Blum's "Rogue State: A Guide to the World's Only Superpower" was ranked 209,000 on Amazon.com's sales list before bin Laden mentioned it in an audiotape released on Thursday. By Friday, the book was No. 30 on the Amazon.com list.

Flush with the success of his first endorsement, the normally reclusive Bin Laden threw a lavish gala at the Jalalabad Barnes & Noble to announce plans to create a bookclub to rival Oprah Winfrey's. "I want to spread the message that reading is fun and fundamental... and Fundamentalist!," said the Al-Qaeda leader. Among the titles on his recommended list are: I'm OK, You're Under a Pile of Rubble, Nasty Slut: The Autobiography of Ann Coulter and Clan of The Cave-Bear.