Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Let's make monkey love next to a dead moose in the back of my f150, ban some books, shotgun marry my daughter to a meth addled redneck, do a little four-way ass-play with John and Cindy...
Happy Birthday to you!
* others celebrating a birthday today:
Happy Fourth of July!!!
Jesse Helms, Conservative Force in the Senate, Dies at 86
By STEVEN A. HOLMES
Published: July 5, 2008
Jesse Helms, the former North Carolina senator whose courtly manner and mossy drawl barely masked a hard-edged conservatism that opposed civil rights, gay rights, foreign aid and modern art, died early Friday. He was 86.
Thursday, May 17. Jahannam. Amid swirling rumors, Beelzebub himself announced today that the Gates of Hell will need to be widened to accomodate the posterior portion of Jerry Falwell. Fallwell, currently stewing in Hades waiting for the Angel of Darkness' final decision on the Lakers' last minute trade request, could not be reached for comment. "Look, we've always wanted him, there was never any question about it," announced Lilith, "it was really just a question of timing and infrastructure." Speaking off the record, former Gehenna seismotologist Dr. Fu Manchu suggested that there had also been a question as to whether the Lake of Fire 
could sustain the intense storms predicted should the televangelist relocate. "Look, it's hot enough down here, and that's one serious windbag. And with hurricane season coming? I'm just sayin..." Pressed for additional comment, Azazel would only add, "We thought we'd be fine after Brando squeezed in, but we had no idea of the extra bags this guy was packing!" Dr. Death quickly added, "But hey, we don't discriminate down here, not like those blowhards upstairs who insist you dye your hair blond and wear white even after Labor Day. Look, we've been looking to bring this guy into the organization for decades now, I mean, who else in the last 30 years has done more damage to the other team? Besides, we would have had to do this sooner or later. It was always Limbaugh or Falwell, Limbaugh or Falwell, 'who's next?' Afraid I lost my shirt on that bet!" A spokesman for the Eternal Inferno's Prime Contractor, Halliburton, said that the original gates, a smaller knockoff of Rodin's masterpiece, would likely be scrapped all together in favor of a composite roughly resembling Williamson, West Virginia's flood wall.
In a stunning and frightful fight for her life, Tonya Harding barely escaped a vicious attach from her conscience late last week. Sources say the former figure boxer was seen running down 99E somewhere outside Woodland, Washington, claiming that several burglars had attempted to gain entry to her residence. Apparently, the intruders began to quiz her on World Geography and celebrity anal probes when she was able to teleport out of there via her Iroc Z/time machine. Calling 911 from a payphone outside the Columbia Inn in Kalama, Ms. Harding identified the intruders as Jeff Galuley, Nancy Kerrigan, Scooby Doo, Mr. Howell, and Colonel Mustard. She then sat down to a heaping plate of beer-battered fish and chips, which she described as "delightful." Neighbors say that several strangers were indeed seen fleeing from the residence; however, they were reportedly NA cohorts who could simply not look at another celebrity boxing scrapbook. 
Questioned later by ATF agents, Ms. Harding recanted her story stating that "it could have been Colonel Sanders, it was dark and the beard was iffy."
In an act of savagery befitting the Godless Canadians, a couple of hosers decided it was a good idea to not only test the flu on some poor hairy macaques, but hey, while we're at it, why not bring back the 1918 flu epidemic. Those poor beasts drowned themselves in blood and bile a week in to it. When questioned, Doug and Bob said, "Take off, eh, it was his idea," pointing at one another. Which reminds me of my dear old son-of-a-bitch boss George Germain, who died about a year ago. One of his many D.C.-area jobs was "Monkey Butthole Repairman" for one of the Smithsonian wings. In essence, he was the guy who stitched up the monkeys when they shat out their intestines after the docs were finished with them. I'm telling you, I pretty much hated this guy until I heard that story, and then he got a big pass. You really can't expect someone to ever be right again after something like that.
So hat's off to the MacKenzie brothers for picking up the torch where the Nazis left off. Desperate times call for desperate measures. It's gotten pretty serious since they've taken the pseudoephedrine out.
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